Using pot as a way to stop crying probably isn't a good sign huh?
Meh, some people pop Prozac, you smoke weed. Po-tay-to. po-tah-to
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
Randomize
