it hurts more in the daytime
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
underwater hpnotiq shots? sure why not.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
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