I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
after giving each other head, we had a really nice post-oral heart to heart. found out he lost his virginity in a threesome.
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
Randomize
