Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
Anyway, it's clearly a shapeshifting vagina/AT-AT, which I never said I was SEXUALLY attracted to. Just that I liked it.
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
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