eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
Randomize
