I would make tea from her tampons just to see her tits
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
You better have your party panties on Saturday!
Why only Saturday?
Well I have an AA meeting Sat morning so I'm going to try to take it easy Fri.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
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