I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
Randomize
