I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
we can fight about whose fault it is later....naked.
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
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