I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
