the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
I just googled the nutrition facts for a mcgriddle and yet I still want to go to mcdonalds
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
Randomize
