I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed...
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
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