I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
Just got the American Express annual summary for 2009. The amount of bars we visited last year is impressive.
I don't even want to think what you did to boys being that drunk and horny.
Then I wouldn't suggest looking at the pictures from last night.
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
Randomize
