I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
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