john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
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