I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
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