Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
