she's basically destroyed all of the faith i had that skinny blond girls could be a functioning part of society.
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
Adams eating in the shower, he says it's one of his favorite places to eat. Btw it's milanos he's eating, he says he loves italy too.
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
