Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
Randomize
