I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
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