I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
Randomize
