she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
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