i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
Another day, another engagement, another cat
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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