if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
he climbed up to our party on the 2nd floor balcony and then pulled a glass mug and a beer from his knapsack. these freshmen are intense
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
This election needs to be over, im tired of girls asking who im going to vote for mid hookup
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
Randomize
