that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
Randomize
