Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
sorry about last night, I don't know what happened but I woke up this morning and looked strikingly similar to courtney love, it had to be bad.
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
Randomize
