The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
Slutapocalypse this thursday. Invite every freshieee you hooked up with this semester to my house. Think of it like a meet n greet for them and battle of the sluts for us.
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
Randomize
