Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
Drinking games this Saturday as usual although the ice cube tray game is banned due to last weeks incident
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
We did hand stuff while watching teenage mutant ninja turtles so I guess you could say it's getting serious
Anyways enough about genital fatigue...
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
Randomize