i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
Apparently you can legally be topless in Boulder, CO. Get on it.
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
Randomize
