i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
Randomize
