Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
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