dude i'm inner monologue high
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
anyone can pick a bar fight and pick up a waitress at a bar, not everyone hangout with two wolves. TWO WOLVES.
You just had sex during the movie Radio. This is an all time low
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
Randomize
