I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
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