it was like his penis was on wheels.
Someone obviously heard us on their way to class. They stopped at my door and started singing afternoon delight.
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
Randomize
