No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Randomize
