Capitaan dildo arrescate!
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
using the left over highlighters from the blacklight party to study for finals. feeling the need to write insert penis here on my econ notes.
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
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