drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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