I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
So how does it feel getting boo'd by the entire 5 guys restaurant
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
Can vaginas get frostbite?
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
please god let this picture I just uploaded not have my vagina in it
Randomize
