mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
Randomize
