I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
Randomize
