Can't talk. I'm at the Tulsa Sheriff's office with a bunch of rednecks. I bet I'm the only one that voted for Obama.
I bet you're the only one who could read the ballott.
Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
Randomize
