Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
Randomize
