fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
You NEED to get fingered by a violinist. He used his left hand and make me cum, he's RIGHT handed.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
