Come to wood. Julia is putting pants on. We must stop her.
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
wasn't that the evening we made out with the girls from the dental school, drank 3000 beers, almost had to beat up a guy at the strip club and James nailed some hot piece of tail and took her OSU windbreaker, which my dad went on to wear multiple times after finding it in the garage.
Yes. To all of that. Yes.
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
