So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
you wouldnt answer to anything but devil's advocate all night.
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
I think my penis runs off weed. I haven't smoked it 3 days and I have no sex drive what so ever
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
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