Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
if only i could text you this smell
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
I know her cup size but not her name....
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
Randomize
