I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
I heard from multiple reliable sources that she doesn't have a gag reflex. Of course I'm going to try to go home with her.
we were sitting in the bathtub when she came in with her grandpas cane adn beat us until lindsay passed out
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
Your stories are the best. I feel like you're a spy among the heteros. It's not fair.
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
you're hired as official boob wrangler
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
Randomize
