Now hope fervently that she'll do it quick and cheap, just the way i like it
I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
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