I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
i don't care if its just a preseason game, my pick up a guy and suck him off in the bathroom skills are in midseason form
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
I have no concept of chastity or moderation, she is a Catholic guilt poster child, how could I not try to hit that
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
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