Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
I told him that all frat guys do it... it was that easy to get him to go down on me.
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
Currently coming up with judgment, the game. Works well on buses, will probably be more entertaining in bars.
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Randomize
