Haven't eaten in 11 hrs. I am gonna have so much material to talk about with anorexic girls now
Seriously, I'm delusional. Idk how these models even walk on the runway
I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
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