White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
This is the prime rib incident all over again
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
Randomize
