The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Randomize