our cab driver is having phone sex.
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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