My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
You're breaking my sexual little heart
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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