i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
After what u did to that bathroom I think the $30 and the "sorry I'm a jackass" note was the thing to do.
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
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