Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
He had a joint rolled for us when he picked me up. It's how ASU does romance
Due to last night I think a roommate constitution should be made. The first law will be designed to prevent any chicks below a 4 to enter the house.
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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