i wish my penis had a tongue
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
that is very illegal...i love you.
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