i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
why do cheetos always look like penises
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
It went from "haha, this will be funny" to "full blown anime porn fetish"
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
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