My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
She has never blacked out. I have tried to get her to so many times. Apparently it's a lot harder than we make it out to be.
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
Her face just looks like a massive mistake. That's the only legitimate description I can say about it
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
Randomize
