there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
you were wearing a pair of wings and handing out McDonalds apple pies, if anyone refers to you as the "Rave Fairy" you now know why.
THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
Randomize
