I think I'm in Tiajuana
You are not in Tijuana. I saw you an hour ago
I could be
new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
i've been throwing up a lot lately. my guess is hangover but who knows morning sickness is always an option
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
Randomize