today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
been home a week and haven't blacked out yet. i miss college
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
I dont know which is weirder.. the fact that i just watched our mom kick ass at beer pong and ride the pole like a true fire girl or the fact that ive never felt closer to her in my life.
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
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