i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
The power of my boobs compel you
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
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