good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
Whatever. They have the same name, so it's not even cheating. It's brand loyalty.
worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
watching hot guy on train scrolling with his blackberry's track ball... o to be that track ball...
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
is it STILL halloween? when did this turn into a week long holiday
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
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