I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
the teacher told me he was disappointed and when I asked why he just shook his head. remember that kid that caught us having sex behind the school? pretty sure that was his son.
Randomize
