Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
Randomize