You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
We just shotgunned beers for America
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
Fuck me I smell like cheese
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