Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
Just did the walk of shame in front of his dad while I was wearing his gym shorts and my heels from graduation last night. Keep it classy '12
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
Randomize
